41 Hilarious Louis CK Quotes:

1. "I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at." — LOUIS C. K.

2. "If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb." — LOUIS C. K.

3. "It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them." — LOUIS C. K.

4. "If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people." — LOUIS C. K.

[no_toc]

5. "I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work." — LOUIS C. K.

6. "I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women." — LOUIS C. K.

7. "I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities. Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'" — LOUIS C. K.

8. "It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this — and by 'new at it,' I mean 15 years in, or even 20 — you're just starting to get traction…Give it a minute." — LOUIS C. K.

9. "Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars … If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars." — LOUIS C. K.

10. "You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time." — LOUIS C. K.

11. "I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation." — LOUIS C. K.

12. "When you first get married, you have a relationship that's so important to you, and you're working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, "Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her." And you look at your spouse and go, "Who the fuck are you? You're a stranger." — LOUIS C. K.

13. "It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain. Rape is not up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude." — LOUIS C. K.

14. "I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body." — LOUIS C. K.

15. "When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else." — LOUIS C. K.

16. "I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn't resting and it isn't doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks." — LOUIS C. K.

17. "Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. Expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime." — LOUIS C. K.

18. "Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went through that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even." — LOUIS C. K.

19. "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't." — LOUIS C. K.

20. "Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times." — LOUIS C. K.

21. "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself." — LOUIS C. K.

22. "Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago…that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy." — LOUIS C. K.

23. "Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in awhile go 'Uh, I'm kind of an asshole.'" — LOUIS C. K.

24. "Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can't take a joke and comedians can't take criticism." — LOUIS C. K.

25. "You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen." Why the fuck would anything nice happen?" — LOUIS C. K.

26. "Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue." — LOUIS C. K.

27. "Twitter and Facebook and MySpace; all that stuff makes you warped. We've all basically given ourselves data entry jobs. I've actually heard people say things like, "Aw shit, I have to update my Twitter." Really? You have to? That's a big priority for you?" — LOUIS C. K.

28. "When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president." — LOUIS C. K.

29. "Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness." — LOUIS C. K.

30. "There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars." — LOUIS C. K.

31. "People say, "My phone sucks." No, it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone." — LOUIS C. K.

32. "If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em. Even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have." — LOUIS C. K.

33. "Misery is wasted on the miserable." — LOUIS C. K.

34. "There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub." — LOUIS C. K.

35. "When I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people." — LOUIS C. K.

36. "Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in." — LOUIS C. K.

37. "Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it." — LOUIS C. K.

38. "I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part." — LOUIS C. K.

39. "The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself." — LOUIS C. K.

40. "Fuck it." That's really the attitude that's keeps a family together. It's not "We love each other!" It's "Fuck it." — LOUIS C. K.

41. "I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored." — LOUIS C. K.